It does not matter what Beethoven or Giulietta Guicciardi looked like - to each other, to themselves; it was his love of her, whatever of her spirit she fed him, birthed in him, this, energetic shape: a profound, deeper passion, resulting in Piano Sonata No. 14, or, Moonlight Sonata, is what Love looks like. It is 4 dimensional.
My fleetingly brief moments being in Love have sometimes been misunderstood as melancholia, but were, in fact, nirvana. Especially when fulfilled - not only psychologically but sensually as well. In fact, for me, I cannot experience the latter without the former.
Like Beethoven’s frustrations over going deaf and his resulting isolations… my having been misunderstood by most - my experience with being misunderstood as a result of others being deaf to me - regarding just about every action and word I have given life, has made me seriously pessimistic about Humanity - not to mention the havoc wreaked because of the way I looked and the various circumstances, out of my control, that have shaped the decoration of my life. Decoration has often been as deep an investigation into me as others have bothered to endeavor, resulting in the oft off the mark (mis)understanding of my entire character, my integrity, my very foundation of being.
"Ever since my childhood my heart and soul have been imbued with a tender feeling of good will. But just think, for the last few years, I've been inflicted with an incurable complaint. Though endowed with a passionate and lively temperament, I was since obliged to seclude myself and live in solitude. I could not bring myself to say to people: speak up. Shout! I am deaf. My misfortune pains me doubly, in as much as it leads to my being misjudged, I must live like an outcast. How humiliated I have felt. If somebody heard a Sheppard sing, I heard nothing. Such experiences almost made me despair. And I was on the point of putting an end to my life. The only thing that held me back was my art. For, indeed, it seemed to me impossible to leave this world before I had produced all of the works that I had felt the urge to compose. And thus, I have dragged on this miserable existence. Almighty God, who look down into my inner most soul, you see into my heart, and you know that it is filled with love for humanity and a desire to do good."
quoted from In Search of Beethoven, a documentary written and directed by Phil Grabsky.
So yes, obviously, I am no Beethoven, but his sentiments could well have come from my mouth; I would replace his protests of "speak up" with the words: See me! Hear me! Let fall away the false trappings of Americanized oversimplifications, illogical fears and your domestic-bred misperceptions and take a real look. Have a clear listen. I am -
Do I need to speak up, shout!? Are you deaf?
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